Don't Dodge It, Blog It

Hi there stranger, I'm glad to see you have returned! I feel like it has been far too long since my last blog post.

In an effort to get us all on the same page, allow me to recap where we are within this cancer saga...

On the 30th of January, I had a dentist look at a strange growth under my tongue. The dentist did not like what he saw, so he immediately referred me to an oral surgery clinic downtown. A biopsy of the growth was cut from my mouth that same day and sent away for testing at a pathology lab.

Over the following couple days, I battled immense pain from the biopsy site... to the point I had received nerve blocks in an effort to thwart the pain long enough for my tongue to heal.

On the 3rd of February, I was informed that the pathology report came back positive for Squamous Cell Carcinoma (SCC). The dentist set me up with a case manager, who assisted in scheduling my many appointments with multiple doctors.

Over the past eight weeks, I have been seeing an ENT surgeon, a radiation oncologist, and a clinical medicine doctor, all from Banner University Medical Center at the University of Arizona. After having received a CT scan, it has been determined that my cancer is in Stage III. I have multiple lymph nodes in my neck that have likely been impacted by the cancer. One node for sure has what looks like necrotic cancer tissue. The plan is... surgery followed by radiation and possibly chemo. 

I have also been accepted into a clinical drug trial, which I had randomized into the control group, which means I will not receive the test medication IRX-2. Instead, I am on a 21 day study that requires one round of chemotherapy and five pills a day, for 21 days prior to my surgery. My surgery date is set for April 12th. This surgery will involve the removal of the tumor on the underside of my tongue and a neck bisection to remove all the lymph nodes in my neck.

So...

This has been one heck of a journey so far. The inquisitive side of me enjoys learning more about cancer and getting to participate in neat medical procedures, but my logical side has over analyzed my future possibilities to the point I have painted myself into a nightmare. This is where your idea of me being Mr. Optimistic comes to an end....

I was warned that the internet would do nothing for me but cause angst. My thirst for understanding what my future might hold has driven me to explore multiple cancer survivor, support forums and blogs. I am now well-versed in all there is to know about oral cancer, and let me tell you, it is not pretty. I have spent hours dwelling over what my future should look like, based on the many years of preparation I have endured. I have spent double that amount of time agonizing over what my future may look like now, knowing the cruel truth of what oral cancer survivors are faced with. I have allowed myself to become wrapped-up in what my quality of life may look like-post cancer, instead of simply being grateful for having life at all. Cancer has led me down a dark path.

This blog has meant a lot to me. Sharing my life with you has provided me an outlet to express the way I feel in a way I am comfortable. It also provided you a way to support me... even if it has been simply reading the blog. When I was having numerous appointments a week, I was doing well because the blog kept me distracted from the nasty truths about cancer. These last ten days since my last blog post have been torture. I can feel myself getting more and more anxious by the day. Sorrow, anger, and fear have replaced the optimism I had just a couple weeks ago. The closer I get to my surgery date, the worst I feel.

I've had enough resiliency training to know that I am heading in the wrong direction, and need some sort of intervention to get my head right. I made the decision to seek out help from a mental health specialist before things got too bad. I have a friend here at Davis-Monthan that works at the Mental Health Clinic on base, who helped setup an appointment for me, which I attended today. The doctor and I discussed the anxiety I have been feeling. He reassured me that my fears are warranted, and that I should not run away from them, but to address them in a healthy manner. The doc asked me if there were ever times I felt as peace when dealing with this cancer. I told him I feel best when spending one-on-one time with my wife and while writing this blog. He asked me a couple questions about the blog and why I felt it was helping me. I told him that I have never been one to feel comfortable opening up to people, especially when emotions are involved. He told me that my blog has provided me the outlet I need. I told him my only problem is not having enough medical appointments to write about. He encouraged me to write additional blogs, not related to specific medical appointments, but more directed towards the way I am feeling on that particular day. The doctor helped me see that this journey I am on is more than just a series of medical appointments and procedures.

Before letting me go, the doc and I practiced some breathing techniques that can help reduce stress and prevent the build-up of anxiety. He offered to schedule a second visit, but I'm not sure I will need it. I have a support system, I just need to use it more often. I need to stick with what works, even if that means writing blogs about nothing. Its not necessarily the words that help me cope, but the connection the words create between me and you that helps me see past the negativity cancer breeds.

So...

For the sake of my mental health, be prepared to see more writings. Feel free to shoot me a topic to write about, because I may not have enough medical appointments to keep me busy.

And as always... Thank You!