The Final Stand - Day 18

Hello world, it's me again - your friendly, neighborhood cancer warrior.

I just spent the last hour on the phone with my mom. I don't know how or why, but for some reason, my emotions feed off her emotions. Just hearing the slightest bit of concern in my mother's voice can bring me to my knees. It's as if my mom holds the key to the lock-box where I carry all my pent-up emotions. The moment I hear her voice, the box unlocks and spills all over the place. Even right not, I am writing this blog entry as I fight away the frog trying to crawl up my throat.

Speaking of throats... mine is killing me. The pain is getting steadily worse by the day. I can still talk and swallow, but I can tell it is becoming more and more a chore rather than an instinctive reflex. I have a couple different areas in my mouth where little sores are popping up. Most of them are painless unless I mess with them, but there is one on the side of my tongue that constantly rubs against my teeth. That little bugger is eating at my patience quick.

I've been extremely tired today. I drug myself out of bed around 7:45. By 9:00, I was back upstairs in bed hoping to get a good hour in before I had to get ready for my day. When we got home this afternoon, I slept again for a solid three hours.

I had two appointments today: my daily radiation and a lymphedema message. Today is Thursday, so I was scheduled to meet-up with my radiation oncologist. He was pleased with my current progress, but knew that I was rounding the bend into the most difficult part of the treatment. In the past, he was most concerned with eating and weight control. Today, he was focused on preparing me for pain management. He has instructed me to increase amount my hydrocodone intake so that my body builds enough of a tolerance that I can be put on a slow release patch. You know things are on the up-an-up when doctors are preparing you for painkillers 24/7.

My lymphedema message went well. In fact, the therapist was extremely pleased with the progress Jess and I had made in working the fluid from my neck. To be honest... Jess and her magic hands are to thank for much of the progress made. The therapist spent most of the hour working on my face, where she could tell I was still retaining some fluid. I wish she wasn't trying to instruct me because I could have easily nodded off.

I received a highly anticipated UPS delivery today. My first box of Liquid Hope arrived today. Unfortunately, I had to come out of pocket for this box, but I should know in the next couple days whether or not Tricare will pay for the rest. The Liquid Hope made it just in time, because I can no longer stomach the taste of food. I tried some of the foods I had success with earlier in the week, only to be severely disappointed. It is the oddest thing... loosing one's taste sensation. It is as if the brain flips a switch to disengage one's appetite once it knows there is no acceptable food sources.

Jess had made a Southwestern chili for dinner... something I would normally chow-down in a heartbeat. I decided I was going to puree some and tube-feed tonight. It was either that, or drink another Ensure. Since Ensure was all I had today, I figured the pureed chili was the better choice. I could have used the Liquid Hope, but I'm holding out for a couple more days in hopes of securing a steady flow of the stuff.

Well... tomorrow is Friday, which means only one more appointment before I get a weekend to rest. I'll see y'all tomorrow!